With: Shower, blow dry hair, put on make-up, change outfit 900 times, because HEY I can move really fast right now! Pack a lunch, load the dishwasher, pick up the apartment, mail your rent check, pay your cable bill that was due 2 months ago, wash the counters, lose your keys, find your keys, lose them again! Find them! Laugh! Run out the door with five minutes to spare! Make funny, happy banter with the mailwoman! Forget where you parked, remember where you parked.
Without: Literally crawl out of bed to your dresser. Lay on the floor. Think that your life is a joke. Drag your feet to the kitchen. Spend ten minutes assembling a bowl of cereal. Put the cereal box in the fridge and the milk in the cabinet. Realize this. Don’t care, except that you used your roommates milk. Move the milk, contemplate leaving the cereal. Move the cereal. Think that your life is a joke. Forget to bring a lunch. Put on yesterday’s jeans, forget to wash your face. Leave ten minutes late.
II. The Morning Commute
With: Zip in and out of lanes. Drive 80mph where possible. Roll down the windows and turn off the AC. Roll up the windows, keep the AC on. Open the windows. Close the windows. Open them again. Turn on the AC. Turn off the AC. Pretend you’re a member of every band that comes on the radio. Sing. Get honked at. Decide you don’t care. Feel euphoric.
Without: Hate everybody. Curse to yourself. Stay in one lane. Drive slow because you don’t care. Decide everything on the radio sucks. Get mad at the radio. Get mad at the other cars. Get mad at your bag for falling off the seat.
III. At Work
With: Accomplish more between the hours of 10am and 11:30am than you will all day. Go to the bathroom ten times. Type really, really fast. Focus on nothing but the task at hand, ignore the world around you…everything except the need to urinate. Break early for lunch. Stuff your face. Come down. Want to die. Spend the rest of the day in morbid lethargy. Contemplate another cup of coffee. Go outside. Decide the sun is too bright and that your life is a joke. Go back inside. Sit in front of your computer screen. Sit in front of your computer screen. Sit in front…of…your…comput-zzzzzzzzzzdlkjhhlbjfhlkfg….
Without: Sit in front of your computer screen. Think your life is a joke. Check Facebook. Update your Twitter status: “My life is a joke.” Check Facebook again. Scowl. Begrudgingly accomplish minor tasks of little importance. Wander around the office aimlessly. Notice the Keurig coffee maker. Praise the Caffeine Gods. Consider sacrificing a sheep in their honor. Decide against, as you have no sheep and can’t figure out how to do it without getting blood on the carpet. Make the fucking coffee.