Hi, my name is Kelsie and I am a funny woman. End of discussion.

My vagina doesn’t tell knock-knock jokes. Your dick doesn’t make puns. Which is why the debate about whether or not someone is funny based on gender is absolutely ridiculous.

But it’s one that we keep having and unfortunately it’s had some systemic effects on us ladies. I don’t have any sociological studies to back this up; only what I’ve observed over the last few years at film school.

I have something to say about funny chicks. Generally they are very, very insecure.

I’m a funny chick. I’m going to go ahead and say that. And if you disagree with me, let’s chat and have a lively discussion about why. I’m fascinated by the science of humor.

BUT TO ALL THE OTHER FUNNY BITCHES OUT THERE. I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

There’s nothing that devalues your comedic voice more than the following sentence:

“I just want to be Tina Fey.”

YOU CAN’T BE TINA FEY because Tina Fey is Tina Fey.

And you can’t be Kristin Wiig either.

Amy Poeler, Chelsea Handler, and Jenna Marbles are out too.

Those bitches are TAKEN! By THEMSELVES!

If I had a tampon for every time I heard some biddy say, “Well, I know this sounds so ridiculous but, my dream in life is to just be the next Tina Fey,”  I COULD PLUG UP THE HOOVER DAMN OF VAGINAS. That’s a lot of labia, dammit.

Be a funny chick because it’s OKAY to be a funny chick without being an SNL darling first.

Before Tina Fey was TINA FUCKING FEY she was a drama nerd fag-hag with a bad haircut and didn’t go around saying, oh yeah, people say I’m funny, I’m like gonna go be a famous actress and comedian and writer and awesome fucking female role-model.

AND GODDAMMIT, DON’T WRITE THE NEXT BRIDESMAIDS because you think it’s the Bible of female comedy. Guess what? Girls took explosive shits before Melissa McCarthy sat in that sink. Any white bitches that have been to India and eaten real curry will tell you that. (Who has two thumbs and a bacterial infection? This girl!)

You liked it because it was edgy and self-reflective and female-empowering and blah blah blah film critic rhetoric here? FUCKING AWESOME!  Go write something IN THE SPIRIT of  Bridemaids!

You can’t write Bridesmaids because Bridesmaids was already written.

The fact that the entertainment industry finds it reasonable that we even  call into question whether or not someone can understand humor based on their GENITALIA is illustrative of the fact that it’s still, unfortunately, a misogynistic boys club. The Fraternity of the Adult World. So while it’s great that we admire women who’ve defied the odds and made it (like the Tinas and the Amys), when you say “I just want to be X” you let all the ignorant d-bags out there continue with this RIDICULOUS notion that whether women are inherently funny or not is even up for debate. By making certain individuals the standard by which all women who have ever told a knock-knock joke should measure against devalues us all, EVEN those certain individuals that are being called out.

It’s saying, “You’re the exception to the rule. You’re some freak of nature that defied the odds. It’s not that you’re extremely talented or anything.”

I know you’re scared and shy and it’s a really vulnerable thing to make content and share it with the world. And as women, we’re put under a lot of different microscopes. We walk this constant line of wanting to stand out but not so much that we’re called the REAL c-word: CRAZY.

“CRAZY” is the modern Scarlet Letter. No one wants to be labeled “crazy.”

I’m a funny lady. And I DON’T want to be Tina Fey because Tina Fey already does a bangin’ good job of being Tina Fey.

I want to be The Kelsie Monster because no one is better than being the Kelsie Monster than I am!   (And if you are, please get in contact with me, because I have a TON of questions.)

So all you bitches that are afraid to come out and say it, say it. You are funny. You make jokes. You burp, fart and poop and call people “ball sacks” when they are dumb. You are funny because you are funny. Gender has nothing to do with it. There’s not a quota on how many of us there are allowed to be in the world. You can be Funny Whoever The Tits You Want.

I don’t want to be Tina Fey. I don’t want to be the next ANYONE except myself.

So take note, you closet funny ladies. You could be the next YOU someday.